Tom Salinsky

Speaking to the press at Number Ten Downing Street today, still Prime Minister Boris Johnson said that he understood the will of the party and the will of the British people, even if they were wrong. “That’s the way the uh the uh the uh cookie crumbles,” he continued, “I have no hesitation now in er in er in er stepping down, or er, or er, or aside, as it were, to let the next leader take over. And I will be doing that with full effect and immediately. It is true that the public have judged me and found me wanting – not wanting a few more years in Downing Street, obvs.”

Mr Johnson continued to speak while lashing himself to his desk with stout bungee cords, saying “The time has come for ah for ah for ah for ah me to end my time as Prime Minister. Didn’t last quite as long as Theresa May, but oh well. And it would be frankly undignified for me to stay a moment longer. And I am nothing, if not dignified”. And at these words, aides began nailing wooden boards across the doorway, effectively barricading him inside.

Meanwhile, commenting on the constitutional impasse caused by the Prime Minister’s semi resignation, political analyst Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush, explained that “the British Constitution, whilst unwritten, provides clear and simple precedent for dealing with situations such as this. For example, if Boris were to step aside whilst standing in the Duchy of Cornwall and wearing pantaloons he would be able to declare his son Prime Minister and remain as the Prime Minister Regent until his son comes of age”.

The Brain’s Trust also spoke to professional man in the street Derek Gadd who explained that the public remained behind Boris and blamed “Emmanuel Macron and the French in general” for the chaos in the UK. “If they weren’t shipping thousands of workshy, swarthy immigrants across the channel, we wouldn’t be in this mess. And we can’t even get any next day deliveries, decent coffee or restaurant service because they’ve lured all the proper French back to France with higher wages and lower retirement ages. Bastards.”

In Downing Street, cement mixers surrounded the building, jacketing all available entrances in concrete, Mr Johnson’s voice was heard emanating from what was now more bunker than Georgian terrace saying “Of course, finding a successor might take a little while longer, but I want the British people to know that I have gone, I have resigned, I am I am I am I am no more, and the grenade launchers, tripwires, landmines and snipers surrounding my office are little more than a typical security measure.”

Speaking to the Brains Trust, opposition leader Keir Starmer said “Oh shit, I thought we had another six months, we’re not ready. This is all fucking Jeremy Corbyn’s fault. Wait. You aren’t going to print that are you?”